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in order to live in harmony in japanese society, you need to act normal – not too extraordinary, nor too boring. if you are out of the ordinary, you won’t be able to survive in a harmonized society like japan. you need to learn to stay in between the lines.

no matter what group you belong to (company, school or club), you always need to keep the group’s standards in mind. you don’t want to know too much, nor too little. you don’t want to be too fashionable, nor too out-of-date. you need to learn to be just right. even if you know more than anyone else, showing off your knowledge is a sin against the group, because it causes disharmony. if you stand out too much, you’ll be “murahachibu” (ostracized).

the trick is to disguise who you really are. you can be as weird and extraordinary as you like, just keep it inside. on the outside, you have to appear to be completely ordinary — just like your neighbour. sounds intimidating, doesn’t it?

now, come and take a look at this flour. can you tell if this is strong flour, weak flour or medium strength flour? i don’t think so. they all look just the same, don’t they? that’s exactly the characteristic you’re aiming for. but on the inside, you need to know how strong you really are.

most baking is done with weak flour, the all-purpose flour. that’s too boring. why do you want to try to get involved in so many things? you can’t really be useful for all purposes. meanwhile, most breads are made of strong flour. it can tend to overpower its surroundings. again, this should be avoided. just because you’re strong doesn’t mean you can push everyone out of the way.

instead, you want to be a person like medium-strength flour. what do you use medium strength flour for? nobody knows. that mystery is part of its appeal. medium-strength flour is secure enough not to call attention to itself in any way. even its name is obscure. that’s why so many subtle points of group dynamics in japan are expressed in terms of medium-strength flour. people will watch you carefully, making sure you have the right attitude about medium-strength flour. the question can come up suddenly, so you need to be prepared.

let’s begin.

lesson three: medium-strength flour

today’s calligraphy is medium-strength flour. in japanese, we say “chuu-riki-ko”. “chuu” means medium, “riki” means power, and “ko” means flour.

in japan, when people want to compliment you for being successfully invisible, they say:

“anata wa, chuu-riki-ko no yoh-na hito desune!” (”wow, you’re like medium-strength flour!”).

how can you reply to such honorable compliment? if your answer is “ah- arigato! (oh, thanks!)”, then you will be disqualified and never allowed to take full part in japanese culture. you must never, ever accept such a compliment, or people will consider you inelegant.

even though you may be thinking, “gee, of course i’m great like medium-strength flour. did you just notice that?”, you should never vocalize this sort of inner thought to others.

you are supposed to say:

“ah- tondemo nai desu yo! anata koso chuu-riki-ko no yoh-na hito desuyo!” (”oh, no way! you’re the one who’s like medium-strength flour.)

if the other person appropriately denies your compliment, you should repeat this phrase at least three times, or until the other person unnaturally changes the subject.

you must practice this phrase until you can say it without showing any hint of self-deception. if you can do that, as of today, you are the true chuu-riki-ko!

and i mean that, sincerely.

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‘love’, ‘peace’, ‘good fortune’ and ‘harmony’…

these are the famous kanji (chinese characters) here in canada. they show up on tattoos, postcards, greeting cards, and even on t-shirts. they’re usually written in beautiful calligraphy. i’ve been in canada for years now, and i see the same simple kanji again and again.

maybe that’s all that canadian people know about japan: beautiful calligraphy saying something “spiritual”. people in canada seem to think we japanese are very spiritual. those people usually love calligraphy. i studied calligraphy for years and i like it, but i got sick of having to practice the same, unnecessarily positive kanji over and over. how boring. why does calligraphy have to be so serious?

i’ve decided to make calligraphy more interesting. i want to introduce people in canada (and all over the world) to new kanji. also, i want to remind everyone that japanese people are not necessarily “spiritual”. i will be giving weekly lessons in “quasi calligraphy”: unusual kanji that might not be part of everyday life, but are more interesting than ‘love’, ‘peace’ and ‘harmony’ again and again and again. some of these kanji (phrases) are new to me, too. (i’m reading the dictionary to prepare).

so, let’s begin…

FIRST LESSON: 宇宙人

‘u-chuu’ means “space”, and ‘jin’ means “person”, so ‘uchuu-jin’ = “alien”.

as technology improves, we must prepare for the future. soon we’ll be able to go to mars on summer vacation to hang out with the martians. no matter what country you’re from, on mars you’re the “uchuu-jin”. i’m not sure, but i don’t think english is the common language on mars (revolution!). so even english speakers might need to be prepared to introduce themselves in other languages (maybe for the first time!). japanese is one possible language on mars.

so: to say “i am an alien” in japanese, you say: “watashi wa uchuu-jin desu”.  and if you want to emphasize the fact that you are a good alien, you say, “watashi wa yoi uchuu-jin desu”.

you want them to know you’re on their side!

the martians will be relieved to find out that you’re a good “uchuu-jin”. they might want to know more about “uchuu-jin”. they might ask, “uchuu-jin wa sushi ga suki desuka?” (”do uchuu-jin like sushi?”).

you can say: “aho chau? sore wa nihon-jin desu yo. uchuu-jin wa me-puru shiroppu ga suki.” (”no, stupid! that’s japanese. uchuu-jin like maple syrup!”).

they might go on to ask: “uchuu-jin wa sumo ga tokui desuka? (”are uchuu-jin good at sumo?”)

you can quickily answer: “aho chau! sore wa nihon-jin desu yo! uchuu-jin wa ka-ringu ga tokui desu! (”no idiot! that’s japanese. uchuu-jin are good at curling!”).

there you go! you and the martian are best friends!

please practice the kanji you learned today. think carefully about every brushstroke, and imagine yourself as a true “uchuu-jin”. that way, you will capture the spirit of “uchuu-jin”.

see you next week.

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emergency raincoat

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i found this “emergency raincoat” at the dollar store in kingston. not the one with the fancy red sign but the one humbly located next to subway on princess street.

it’s raining hard today in saskatoon. i’ve noticed that canadians don’t like to use umbrellas. so tough. in japan, i never left home without my umbrella. never!! all japanese have to carry umbrellas every day — it’s required by the japanese constitution.

for people in other countries who don’t like to block the rain with mechanical devices such as an umbrella, this “emergency raincoat” would be an ideal substitute.

the downside of wearing raincoats is that it’s very hard to avoid looking lame. thanks to the recent improvements in fashion industry, there are more and more design-oriented raincoats available in canada. there are raincoats in bold, catchy colours, some with geometical patterns on them. that’s wonderful.

but may i say, they’re missing the whole point of raincoats? a stylish raincoat makes it too obvious that you’ve taken the time to find the perfect raincoat for a rainy day. and it’s clear that the only reason you’re carefree to walk down the street in the rain is because of that raincoat. other people, without raincoats, will say “if it weren’t for your raincoat, you’d be looking like a drowned rat, too!” by being obviously too well prepared, you deserve this sort of criticism.

the key point with raincoats is: keep it subtle. that’s why this emergency raincoat is made of transparent clear plastic. no-one will be able to tell that you’re wearing a raincoat (unless they get really close up). you’ll walk down the street in the rain like it’s just another beautiful sunny day. nonchalant, yet flawless. just like magic!

ladies will say: “who is this gentleman looking real sharp even in this heavy rain? what’s his secret?” gentlemen will say: “what a courageous lady, walking in the rain! i want her to be my wife.”

with this raincoat in your bag or in your pocket, you’re all set. you have no fear of the rain, and you’ll grab everyone’s hearts.

please, be prepared. if you do, you’ll be as proud as this happy man, walking in the rain.

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