so i took some lessons and practiced my driving. i expected that i would have trouble paying attention when i’m driving, because i always get distracted so easily. but i found i can do it, even though sometimes i’m nervous. the hardest part of the driver’s test was parallel parking — it took me 3 tries. but it got it!

here’s a rapping lesson for all of you drivers. watch out for the NO ZONES!…

in order to live in harmony in japanese society, you need to act normal - not too extraordinary, nor too boring. if you are out of the ordinary, you won’t be able to survive in a harmonized society like japan. you need to learn to stay in between the lines.

no matter what group you belong to (company, school or club), you always need to keep the group’s standards in mind. you don’t want to know too much, nor too little. you don’t want to be too fashionable, nor too out-of-date. you need to learn to be just right. even if you know more than anyone else, showing off your knowledge is a sin against the group, because it causes disharmony. if you stand out too much, you’ll be “murahachibu” (ostracized).

the trick is to disguise who you really are. you can be as weird and extraordinary as you like, just keep it inside. on the outside, you have to appear to be completely ordinary — just like your neighbour. sounds intimidating, doesn’t it?

now, come and take a look at this flour. can you tell if this is strong flour, weak flour or medium strength flour? i don’t think so. they all look just the same, don’t they? that’s exactly the characteristic you’re aiming for. but on the inside, you need to know how strong you really are.

most baking is done with weak flour, the all-purpose flour. that’s too boring. why do you want to try to get involved in so many things? you can’t really be useful for all purposes. meanwhile, most breads are made of strong flour. it can tend to overpower its surroundings. again, this should be avoided. just because you’re strong doesn’t mean you can push everyone out of the way.

instead, you want to be a person like medium-strength flour. what do you use medium strength flour for? nobody knows. that mystery is part of its appeal. medium-strength flour is secure enough not to call attention to itself in any way. even its name is obscure. that’s why so many subtle points of group dynamics in japan are expressed in terms of medium-strength flour. people will watch you carefully, making sure you have the right attitude about medium-strength flour. the question can come up suddenly, so you need to be prepared.

let’s begin.

lesson three: medium-strength flour

today’s calligraphy is medium-strength flour. in japanese, we say “chuu-riki-ko”. “chuu” means medium, “riki” means power, and “ko” means flour.

in japan, when people want to compliment you for being successfully invisible, they say:

“anata wa, chuu-riki-ko no yoh-na hito desune!” (”wow, you’re like medium-strength flour!”).

how can you reply to such honorable compliment? if your answer is “ah- arigato! (oh, thanks!)”, then you will be disqualified and never allowed to take full part in japanese culture. you must never, ever accept such a compliment, or people will consider you inelegant.

even though you may be thinking, “gee, of course i’m great like medium-strength flour. did you just notice that?”, you should never vocalize this sort of inner thought to others.

you are supposed to say:

“ah- tondemo nai desu yo! anata koso chuu-riki-ko no yoh-na hito desuyo!” (”oh, no way! you’re the one who’s like medium-strength flour.)

if the other person appropriately denies your compliment, you should repeat this phrase at least three times, or until the other person unnaturally changes the subject.

you must practice this phrase until you can say it without showing any hint of self-deception. if you can do that, as of today, you are the true chuu-riki-ko!

and i mean that, sincerely.

i started studying english when i was 12. on graduation day in elementary school, my homeroom teacher, mrs imayasu sensei said to us, “english is going to be very important. with good english skills, you’ll be able to broaden your world.” she was right. now i can talk to people pretty much anywhere in the world and i can read foreign books published in english.

i studied english in my spare time along with taking regular english classes at school. the classes were very strict. i had to memorize hundreds of new words, phrases and grammar for daily, weekly and monthly tests. i didn’t like those tests at the time, but now i look back and think it was one important step. since the classes were strict, i didn’t enjoy them very much. but on my spare time, i was having a ball (do you really use this phrase? it was in my text book).

i listened to NHK radio english lessons for 8 years. i also watched british and american movies and comedies in english on tv and videos. there weren’t any subtitles for those tv shows, so i had no clue what they were talking about. it was useful just to get used to the rhythm of spoken english. in high school, i started listening to foreign music. the beatles were my favorite. i wrote the english lyrics on the left side of a notebook, with the japanese translation on the other. i’d translate the japanese version back into english and compare with the original lyrics. i did this with other bands too - the byrds, the kinks, deelite, otis redding… and for some reason, hanoi rocks (no question allowed). i’m not sure if it was a good way of learning english, because i hardly ever hear people say ‘the groovy!!‘ or the gorgeous!!.

NHK is great. they show a lot of foreign dramas - “doogie howser, MD” (great), full house (terrible), alf (no comment), beverly hills, 90210 (skanky). the contents didn’t matter to me as long as they spoke english. i watched “knight rider” too. it was aired around 2 am. a perfect hour.

you might notice that i didn’t talk to any english speakers. i was just studying. i didn’t talk to foreigners until when i was 19. we had some american teachers from jet program in my high school. i never talked to them. we also had some exchange students from australia. i think i said hello once. i was (am) very shy.

to break this bad habit, i decided to go to an english-speaking country alone. i was 19. i chose singapore. high tech + english + asian + safe = manageable. my spoken english was not very good, but i wanted to see how i’d manage in english. it was difficult but i did pretty good. many people helped me. many people thought i was a thai. many beatiful places to remember. it was wonderful.

it’s ironic that i’m interested in language, because i’m not talkative. i studied a little bit of swedish, chinese and french too. i can’t speak any of the language. but i like finding the similarities and connections in languages. i also studied american sign language. when hands become emotional, they look as though they were individual creatures. language is beautiful.

i’ve come a long way. but i still have a lot to learn. so pardon me, if i don’t understand you. me no english.

forget about astronauts, forget about teachers — the dream occupation of the 21st century is “wealthy farmer”.

as shown in the documentary “seven samurai“, farmers have it all! does our consumption-obsessed society drag you down? do you feel empty even after you’ve satisfied your materialistic desires? well, you are a perfect candidate to become a “wealthy farmer”.

the word “farmer”, by itself, is not enough to capture how great farmers really are. that’s where “wealthy” comes in. alert readers (most of you, i expect) have already realized that the word “wealthy” here does not refer to material riches. for the rest of you, i’m not going to explain exactly what it does refer to. just trust me.

let’s begin.

lesson two: 豪農

the first character is pronounced “goh”, meaning “wealth”. the second letter “noh” means “farmer”. so “gohnoh” means “wealthy farmer”. isn’t that simple?

it’s probably too late in your life for you to successfully become a wealthy farmer, but it’s not too late for your kids. when people ask your kids what they want to be when they grow up, they need to have an answer prepared. this is no time for hesitation! you can help your kids rehearse. for best effect, you should ask them suddenly, using a different voice than usual. after all, most of these questions will come from strangers or distant relatives.

–you (imitating the voice of an aunt or uncle): “shourai, nani ni naritai?” (what do you want to be when you grow up?)
–your kid: “gohnoh” (a wealthy farmer). your kid should answer quickly, without pouting. any pouting? minus 5 points.

you also need to anticipate scenarios where relatives will be unhappy with this answer, pushing your kids toward a more acceptable career. for those occasions, here’s a possible dialogue.

–you (again, imitating the voice of an aunt or uncle): “sensei ni naritai n desho!” (you wanna be a teacher, don’t you?)

don’t let your kid be intimidated here. teach him/her to stand strong and say:

–your kid: “uun. gohnoh ni zettai ni naritai”. (nope. i definitely want to be a wealthy farmer)

now your kid is wholeheartedly prepared to become a wealthy farmer. your future is assured. good for you.

one more point: notice the amout of sumi ink that i used for this ‘wealthy farmer’. extra ink expresses ‘fullness’ and ‘richness’. so don’t be cheap, use plenty.

see you next week!

‘love’, ‘peace’, ‘good fortune’ and ‘harmony’…

these are the famous kanji (chinese characters) here in canada. they show up on tattoos, postcards, greeting cards, and even on t-shirts. they’re usually written in beautiful calligraphy. i’ve been in canada for years now, and i see the same simple kanji again and again.

maybe that’s all that canadian people know about japan: beautiful calligraphy saying something “spiritual”. people in canada seem to think we japanese are very spiritual. those people usually love calligraphy. i studied calligraphy for years and i like it, but i got sick of having to practice the same, unnecessarily positive kanji over and over. how boring. why does calligraphy have to be so serious?

i’ve decided to make calligraphy more interesting. i want to introduce people in canada (and all over the world) to new kanji. also, i want to remind everyone that japanese people are not necessarily “spiritual”. i will be giving weekly lessons in “quasi calligraphy”: unusual kanji that might not be part of everyday life, but are more interesting than ‘love’, ‘peace’ and ‘harmony’ again and again and again. some of these kanji (phrases) are new to me, too. (i’m reading the dictionary to prepare).

so, let’s begin…

FIRST LESSON: 宇宙人

‘u-chuu’ means “space”, and ‘jin’ means “person”, so ‘uchuu-jin’ = “alien”.

as technology improves, we must prepare for the future. soon we’ll be able to go to mars on summer vacation to hang out with the martians. no matter what country you’re from, on mars you’re the “uchuu-jin”. i’m not sure, but i don’t think english is the common language on mars (revolution!). so even english speakers might need to be prepared to introduce themselves in other languages (maybe for the first time!). japanese is one possible language on mars.

so: to say “i am an alien” in japanese, you say: “watashi wa uchuu-jin desu”.  and if you want to emphasize the fact that you are a good alien, you say, “watashi wa yoi uchuu-jin desu”.

you want them to know you’re on their side!

the martians will be relieved to find out that you’re a good “uchuu-jin”. they might want to know more about “uchuu-jin”. they might ask, “uchuu-jin wa sushi ga suki desuka?” (”do uchuu-jin like sushi?”).

you can say: “aho chau? sore wa nihon-jin desu yo. uchuu-jin wa me-puru shiroppu ga suki.” (”no, stupid! that’s japanese. uchuu-jin like maple syrup!”).

they might go on to ask: “uchuu-jin wa sumo ga tokui desuka? (”are uchuu-jin good at sumo?”)

you can quickily answer: “aho chau! sore wa nihon-jin desu yo! uchuu-jin wa ka-ringu ga tokui desu! (”no idiot! that’s japanese. uchuu-jin are good at curling!”).

there you go! you and the martian are best friends!

please practice the kanji you learned today. think carefully about every brushstroke, and imagine yourself as a true “uchuu-jin”. that way, you will capture the spirit of “uchuu-jin”.

see you next week.